Six Days at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011 - Part 1 - The first three...

Just back from a stint at the Ed Fringe where I saw 32 shows and sporadically jotted down, squint inducingly on my iPhone and at various length, my thoughts on them. I don't do spoilers (I hope! Tick me off in the comments if you think I have and I'll self-flagellate and edit tout suite) so they can only really demonstrate how much I liked or didn't like the shows I saw and fairly general points or detail that can be found in the shows description in the guide. Happily I enjoyed something about all the shows I saw this year but inevitably some more than others. I've copied across all my ramblings below and in Part 2 more as an aide memoir for myself but to save you time, if you want to know what I'd stand in front of you insisting you see the next paragraph lists my favourites all of which I saw in my first three days which is slightly bad planning.

There were just three that I loved so much I walked out longing to see them again. These shows made my heart sing, my stomach flip, lightened my step for hours and have continued to make me giggle as I remember wonderful snippets days later. In no particular order:

Sammy J & Randy: Ricketts Lane

Prepare to be Tuned by Anyone for Tennis?

Tim Key: Masterslut

These are closely followed by:

Sammy J: Potentially

Chris Cox: Fatal Distraction

Alex Horne: Seven Years in the Bathroom

... and I'd also point you at Tim Fitzhigham, Nick Helm, Pajama Men and any show involving Robin Ince.

Times and venues detailed below.

Please note: As I went to these shows in the first week many of them were previews and so will have been tweaked beautifully by now, for that is the point of previews. The comments below should not be viewed as reviews as that would be deeply unfair so early on, rather my personal experience of the shows. Yeah? Ok then...

3rd August (Previews)

List Operators for kids Do Compooters - Pleasance Courtyard 11.30

One hour off the train and still lugging my case I went to this! Having seen their adult show in Melbourne a couple of years ago I could totally imagine them translating their brand of fast, physical, visual humour to a kids show. Indeed it was a lot of fun: gags for all ages from tots through to teens (though all but the coolest most secure teen would think they are too cool for it) many adult references and near-miss verbal tightrope walking kept the parents and 'grown-ups' happy. Even the purely for kids gags (in my opinion anyway) were enjoyable as they got a great reaction from the kids. Very interactive throughout and I'm not prepared to spoil a few silly surprises to explain what the most fun part was for me... (but if you know me you might guess) A good one to kick off my Ed Fringe this year and begin to de-stress.

Emily Watson Howes: 'Seminar' - Pleasance Courtyard 14:10

This show started even as we took our seats with Kimberly the stress expert eyeing us up and a deliciously uncomfortable, but not at all intimidating, atmosphere was created. There was a lot of very funny audience interaction skillfully handled with some lovely wrong-footing. Strangely as Kimberly showed more of herself and the momentum of the show increased, the energy dipped slightly, possibly because the surprise and wrong-footing elements had to decrease in order to do that. I enjoyed the show, felt involved (in a good way) and smiled throughout.

Andy Zaltzman: Armchair Revolutionary - The Stand 3 & 4 17:20

This was a pretty shambolic preview but the core political material was good and I enjoyed his take on things. There seemed to be rather too many unnecessary props which did rather spoil the flow at times but I reckon he'll lose some of them as he tightens up the show. Despite it still being a work in progress (which is fine and what I went to see) there were many big laughs and one section is still making me laugh just recalling it. I didn't get the final show, I know that but based on the ideas he introduced and the sections that were complete I'm sure it'll be edited and polished to perfection.

Alex Horne: Seven Years in the Bathroom - Pleasance Dome 20:20

There were technical nightmares at this preview but it was hilarious nevertheless and the show worked anyway. Alex Horn's rapport with the audience and the way he openly handled the technical problems making them funny rather than disastrous was admirable. The concept of the show appeals to me anyway as it reminds me of one of David Eagleman's afterlife theories in his wonderful book 'Sum' and was represented graphically and with hilarious illustrative practical examples. The interactions with the audience were beautifully done, some lovely ad libbing and great use of props. One in particular required a brilliant bit of preparation and timing and was simply adorable.

Prepare to be Tuned by Anyone for Tennis? (AFT?) - Gilded Balloon 21:45

This was an ace (terrible pun intended) show to top off the first day. I'd seen a preview in Liverpool just a week earlier and loved it so I was looking forward to it in confident expectation of a good show. They did not disappoint. Two Aussie musicians with guitars, lovely harmonies, hilarious lyrics and a captivating performance style, not to mention oodles of charm. They 'had' the audience immediately, making us feel comfortable and engaged right from the first song and created a great energy in the room. They serenaded us and hit us with some brilliantly inappropriate lyrics and despite having seen it before still some songs made me cry with laughter. I'd prepared by wearing waterproof eye-makeup, yet still it was damaged...totally worth it. Had I not already booked up this time slot for the rest of my stay in Ed I would have re-booked straight away. I left the show with such a big grin on my face and a week later I can still feel my eyes sparkle as I remember the bits I found the most funny...

4th August (Previews)

Tiernan Douieb vs The World - Assembly Hall 13:45

Tiernan has an easy boyish conversational style which makes you warm to him very quickly and in fact as he talks about how the world's a mess politically and socially and what he feels about that, it's difficult not to answer his questions out loud. It's a journey of ups and downs through the frustrations of modern living, people and current political apathy. He makes some serious points but then skillfully lifts the mood at just the right moment.

David O'Doherty presents Rory Sheridan's Tales from Antarctica - Underbelly 15:20

An absorbing bit of storytelling with an initially hilariously challenging costume and a wooden penguin. Not belly laughs but many chuckles and smiles. It's a charmingly told tale of frustrated love and the need to prove it with misadventure in Antarctica. I think I was too overtired and sleepy to enjoy this one as much as I might have - the fault lies with me there though.

Sammy J and Randy: Ricketts Lane - Udderbelly's Pasture 18:00

One of my highlights. Superb timing, hilarious story and songs, inventive sets and and for me especially all the fourth wall breaking. The ad libbing, fuck ups and a couple of the visual gags actually made me shriek with laughter. They appear to be having such fun trying and succeeding in corpsing each other which is a joy to watch and very infectious. At one point I became so engrossed watching Sammy J and Randy (purple puppet) duet, that I wondered, just for a second or two where Randy's radio mic was... *Ahem* This show had so many absolutely hilarious moments that if I were being spoilery and specific I'd be unable to pick less than four to rave about. I'd go back and see this all over again in a heartbeat. I walked out on helium - all high and squeaky of voice.

Tim FitzHigham: Gambler - Pleasance Courtyard 19:30

A classic Fitzhigham show hilariously detailing ludicrous and eccentric wagers and preposterous endeavours. As ever presented with a wonderfully enthusiastic delivery supported with visual 'evidence' in the form of videos and pictures. The show takes place in a giant temporary igloo which feels appropriate. You can't help but like this guy with his flashing blue eyes and somewhat maniacal delivery. He's a genuine British eccentric and has the audience in the palm of his hand as he regales us with tales of his daring do...and several tales of daring don'ts.

The Pajama Men: In the Middle of No One - Assembly Hall 21:00

I saw their show last year and was very eager to see their new show this year. I rather smugly thought I knew what to expect... but I didn't... Once again I was initially startled by them and the sheer force and weirdness of their presence as they tell the oddest of stories in their pajamas (of course) in intricate and hilarious detail with just two chairs as props. Once again I was slightly nonplussed at times, disturbed even but totally drawn in. I sat there amazed at the skill of what they do and totally 'seeing' all the crazy characters and scenarios painted before me. Some of the laughs are huge but a lot of the time I think I sit there like a goofball (is that even a thing?) with wide eyes and an open mouthed grin on my face. Picture it. Attractive huh?

Dead Cat Bounce: Caged Heat - Pleasance Courtyard 22.30

This Irish comedy rock group are immense fun to watch and just what I needed to break the baffled thoughtfulness that filled me after the above show. I knew some of the songs as I saw their show last year but they were well worth multiple listens live. The musicianship is pretty damn good, the ideas and lyrics laugh out loud amusing and the guys are simply funny to look at as they strut and stay in character Spinal Tap fashion. The lead has some very (deliberately I'm sure) Jaggeresque moves and the whole band is involved in the banter between songs, some are more natural at it than others but it works very well none the less with the pulling down of each other's egos both endearing and hilarious. It's worth hanging on for a couple of minutes once they've left the stage too...there's an Easter Egg of sorts.

5th August

Pointless Anger Righteous Ire 2: Back in the Habit - The Stand 5 14:35

In essence following an intense 'being sung to/at' Robin Ince and Michael Legge got angry and shouted at us, at each other and at 'stuff'. Following individual and at times energetic rants audience members were invited to vent what they were angry about. Said venting was discussed, mocked and voted upon as per the criteria in the above title. If I didn't think it would probably damage their health I'd demand this show weekly on the NHS as a therapy for my sanity. They insulted each other gloriously, inventively and regularly and they even danced! Yes, you read that right they danced - somewhat raggedly both and therefore a bit grumpily on Robin's part they fuckin' danced. Fun.

Nick Helm: Dare to Dream - Pleasance Courtyard 16:00

This guy's performance style should terrify me. Should. If I were forewarned without the clarifications I'm going to give now I would probably not go to his show. But I saw him last year... I knew what I was in for and I was looking forward to seeing him again. He opens with a hoarsely delivered song and literally demands, with some force, that you join in and play along...and you do...you have no freaking choice in a portacabin that size. No-where to hide and why would you? There's a masochistic joy to being shouted at and sung at and poeted at by Mr Helm as you notice pretty quickly that behind that loud and in your face persona there's a marvelously endearing twinkle and mischievous quick smile. By the time it's escalated to underpants and an inflatable bed you're sold anyway...

Jason Cook: The Search for Happiness - Pleasance Dome 17:30

Jason Cook positively bounces onstage with eagerness to please and he does, appropriately enough given the title and theme of his show. He has a friendly delivery style and is very personable even initially with the drunken female heckler sitting with her mortified husband and cackling friend. During this show he takes the audience, via a recalled discussion with his Mum, who he makes sound very funny in her own right, through various stages of happiness using some lovely examples. I found it funny and it was certainly uplifting but I confess to being more entertained by the ad libs and by the wonderful heckler put-downs he eventually used to deal with the drunken woman. I get the impression he knew that despite the apparent annoyance factor that there was comedy gold to be mined in her as even when she shut up for a bit he couldn't seem to resist slyly poking her a bit every now and then.

Chris Cox: Fatal Distraction - Pleasance Dome 19:10

This is the only magic show I went to as I'm not that fussed on illusion but this is mentalism and very charmingly and skillfully done too. I've seen Chris Cox's last two shows so I was looking forward the third. This has to be my favourite yet. It has a lovely narrative which leads you through the various audience free choices and builds suspense ready for the baffling and clever finale. There's a nice set and use of props: great to see his furry sidekick - 'the ferret in a jumper' back again for random audience selection. Chris has some very funny patter and an easy playful manner that gets the audience on side very quickly as he messes with our minds. Impressive memory feats too. I've no clue how he achieved the ending he did - he may assure us that he's "the mind-reader who can't read minds" but it bloody well feels like he does!

Sammy J: Potentially - Underbelly 20:30

I determinedly squeezed this show in despite the need to then race to the next one in under 15 minutes and it was so worth it! Sammy J weaves a sweet and hilarious multi-layered tale with twists which I refuse to spoil with any detail, interspersed with funny songs and great wordplay. He's extremely entertaining and engaging. There are many laugh out loud moments, multiple giggles...and at least two snorts. I walked out still giggling about aspects of it for ages...especially as so much of it was verifiably, gloriously and ridiculously true! Adorable.

Tim Key: Masterslut - Pleasance Dome 21:45 and later in the run some at 23:45 as well

I absolutely adored and delighted in this show. I cannot adequately explain why it's so good. He has an excellent entrance and superb timing and right from the start there is a kind of exquisite tension which he just builds upon beautifully. How does he make something essentially deliberately predictable yet so surprising? If someone tried to describe this show to me in raw detail and I didn't know Key I mightn't want to go and see it. It 'shouldn't' work so well. It's both silly and beautiful and his hour flew. Trademark mini movies, poems, physicality, interaction, a ridiculous prop and just the sum of all the 'little' things he does... I left the show a little bit in love with him I think (I'm over it now - I'm fickle) and wanting to see it all over again. Just GO! Inexplicably, exquisitely funny & lovely.

After Hours - Pleasance Dome 12:40

Markus Birdman,

Imran Yusuf

The Boy With Tape On His Face

& Phil Nichol and Gareth Richards who I didn't see as only stayed till the interval as by then I was knackered (lightweight) and really only booked it to see The Boy With Tape On His Face as I'd not been able to book his full show for the time I was up.

Markus Birdman was MC and doing a good job but it was hard to see what his stand up would really be like as late night gigs require a particular set of techniques. Imran Yusuf was also very much in late night gig mode and his set didn't really grab me. So it was a joy when The Boy With Tape On His Face came on to do a long set right before the interval. Made it all worthwhile. I've only ever seen him do short sets as part of a line-up (I intend to remedy that in September) and he didn't do any material that was new to me but the routines are amazingly enchanting and innovative. He's so expressive he manages to 'ad lib' without saying a single word...obviously... It is a unique, hilarious and extremely skillful act. Such a joy to watch that my companion and I floated out right after his bit because that was the perfect way to end the day's comedy.

To be continued...

Wonderful stuff to start 2011

Well it's 2011 and I'm back with a fresh start trying (again) to blog at least once a month. Will I manage to put something here, once a month, for the whole year? I'll try.

To make it easier on myself as well as aiming for some personal posts on topics that pique my interest and maybe some reviews, I've decided to use this blog as a repository for things that make me laugh, gasp, rant or which interest, inspire or indeed arouse wonder in me.

Some time ago on the BBC Radio 4 programme Frontiers, Prof Michio Kaku described String Theory thus:

"If you had a super microscope and could peer into an electron we think you would see a tiny rubber band which if you kick it changes frequency and turns into a neutrino. If you kick it again it turns into a graviton, again and it turns into a photon. So why do we have this ocean of sub-atomic particles? It is nothing but musical notes: Chemistry therefore is nothing but the melodies you can play on these rubber bands, these little strings; physics is nothing but the laws of harmony; the universe would be a symphony of these vibrating strings and then 'the mind of God' that Einstein wrote about would be cosmic music resonating through 10 dimensional hyperspace."

Cool huh?

I kept it on my MySpace (RIP) page for ages and now it sits here.

and

This video was tweeted by Robin Ince and others last night. It is beautifully expressed and truly inspirational:

"Science tells children they came from the stars..."

"There may yet be a heaven, but it isn't going to be perfect and we're going to have to build it ourselves."

Wow!

and

*sigh*

Blogs begat Comments, Comments begat Blogs...

I am really bad a posting on this blog, even just once a month. I still just have a place-holder for my Ed blog notes to go into and I forgot about September completely! I have realised however that I often end up commenting at length on other blogs which have prompted me to think so I'll occassionally post them here with links to these thought-provoking blogs, in order to keep a record of my thoughts on some issues. Mainly in case I ever want to look back and see if my views change at all over time.

Today two from the Thoughts and rambling blog:

Saturday, 2 October 2010 Thoughts and Rambling: 'Truth and Lies'

My comment:
I avoid lying but I do 'omit' information or not respond to some things at all in order to keep things private or simple. Or I take it to an email or DM. The only people I would lie to are people I have good reason to mistrust or despise or who lie to me.

For example I don't like to moan too much on twitter as I feel it is unhelpful, although I'll sometimes do the "ugh another headache" or "I think I've got flu" thing - often to explain a lack of tweets or to warn friends that I may not be able to make a gig or sommat.

However, I didn't say earlier this year when I was quite seriously ill and in real difficulty - mainly because I like Twitter for fun and escape and didn't want worried tweets all the time from people who had no reason to be interested or who did care but who couldn't do anything practical to help. I didn't want or need to discuss the medical problems and at times scary prognosis and horrible medicine side-effects. (in the end I took control of the situation and stopped the treatments I disagreed with and have been much better - the side-effects of some meds are worse than the fuckin' medical issue they are for!)

Similarly I sniped about my horrible job a bit until it got SO serious that I was being seriously bullied at work, pressure to do stuff I deemed unethical (I refused) and all sorts of major things were going on as I fought them on my own for ages then with union and legal help. The bullying was completely unsuccessful but VERY VERY stressful and contributed I believe to the deterioration in my physical health.

Again - why would I bring that up openly online? - I'd rather enjoy the good aspects of twitter etc to have a laugh, discuss bigger and more important issues than myself (totally contradictory to be typing such a solipsistic comment I know! Ha! But those problems ^ are over pretty much and this comment will only be read by a few) and involve myself in the wider world.

I know this is different for other people and I respect that - to each their own. Some ask for and gain genuine comfort online - I'll offer help myself when asked but to date I prefer to just deal with stuff myself and maybe tell people when it is over.

I am pretty much the same in 'real' off line life and relationships, something that is not much appreciated at times by those close to me who can feel shut out if they don't understand my independence.

I think I am the same person online as off - you'd have to tell me your opinion on that though. I'm both shy and confident in real life and online - depends on the circumstances and who I'm talking to.

EDIT: I'd forgotten but I bought a copy of "Why Do We Lie?" by Dorothy Rowe a couple of months back. I've yet to get around to reading it but I heard the author interviewed and she made some very interesting and to me new observations on the subject. She examines reasons for lies and the damage they call from within our own lives to global consequences and alternative approaches should we choose to take them.

Not really the same type of lies discussed in Nic's blog and my comment but interesting I reckon.

******

Wednesday, 23 June 2010,Thoughts and rambling: Turning 30

My Comment:
I can relate to so much of this. I think you've hit the nail on the head with the blog itself actually illustrated by two things in it: Your self/life evaluation and the fact that you are doing what /you/ want for your birthday.

30 feels like a new 'phase' in life, and it sort of is. For a woman there is a large 'time' vs biology element whatever your wishes about children happen to be. But you are right - it is not a huge leap in reality. It is just a point at which for a number of reasons some internal/biological and some external: social and professional norms and pressures that we wish to 'examine, maybe make some decisions and move on or not... You've done that. You've assessed and re-evaluated your life so far and you've recognised how much choice you have in how you go forward.

That won't change. As someone more than a decade older than you ( but no wiser I'm sure) I recently felt the need to look at my life and what troubles me and brings me joy and what I want etc.

My tip is to remember you can do that whenever you want. So you may not need or wish to do this again for years or you may repeat the whole thing based on some new information or change in circumstances tomorrow. That's fine. Most deadlines are self-imposed - it's all about choice from the seemingly huge decisions to the tiny.

As I got older an important realisation was that my life was not going to be 'like' anyone else's, it's mine and things will evolve and change and I'll adapt and adjust. Some people need to plan their lives out with military precision and it works for them. Me - no. Life is an adventure and an opportunity and an unfathomable gift and we should only really measure it by ethical and moral standards not materialism or societal norms or social check-lists. Of course I don't always feel this positive and sometimes I feel like an utter failure. Sometimes I'm convinced I've got it just right and love that I'm 'different' to everyone I grew up with. Smug even.
Of course we are all 'unique' constantly evolving individuals, adapting and re-adapting if we are lucky enough to see things as they are. Ironically in this way we are all the same, and the same as all the other creatures on this earth, To me not 'superior' or 'inferior' either. I think you have it right but then I would, as I see 'some' similarities in outlook. You are already winning because you see life for what it is and you make choices and assess. Very oddly not everyone realises that they can and must do that.

Finally I'll just say that I had one humdinger of a 'mid-life' crisis... sort of thing when I hit 30. I'll tell you some day - it was tremendous fun :-D. At 40 I didn't feel any milestone and recently at 43 I had a reassessment and made some derisions. I will make more today and everyday, every minute, fraction of a second as will you because that's what living is.

To clarify: Happy 08:25:00 Thursday 24th June 2010. It all begins RIGHT NOW. Exciting huh?
x

******

I did check with the writer of the Thoughts and rambling to be sure this was OK with her. Happily it is.

Footballsinesserisationismiciousingityiveosisescent...ish

Or:

The 2010 Football World Cup from the perspective of someone who hardly ever watches a game - despite my Liverpool roots, with a TYSIC challenge thrown in for good measure

I have never ever been to a game but I have watched a few matches on TV and even a couple of World Cup games the time before last, eight years ago ? on a big screen in a pub. I did actually get a bit caught up in things during a very exciting game against some boys from another country, standing up on my bench in the pub to cheer and groan with everyone else at the really tense bits. There was one nasty moment just after half-time when I got slightly confused by that 'changing the direction everything happens in' thing but I think I covered for my erroneous groan by pretending that I was choking on a cheese and onion crisp.

Apart from that I have watched a couple of games when Liverpool have played Everton. I always support Liverpool because I like the berry red of the Liverpool shirt much better than the mid blue of the Everton kit - if they'd gone for a more peacocky blue things might have been different. Also Mum has always said she supports Everton but, unlike me, has yet to define a good reason for this. I can't say this has ever created any tension in the family as she doesn't watch much more football than I do.

In honour of what's left of the 2010 World Cup I've decided to learn something new about the allegedly 'beautiful game' for each match England play.

I don't think this challenge is overly ambitious, as the first thing I learned, on watching the second game: England vs Algeria 0:0,is that England are a bit shit! They played with less oomph than a few snails who were just passing the time, on a beach, after a real ale or five. Dull. (But a bit less slimy)

The second thing I learned (so you see, after a slow start I caught right up) was the Offside Rule. This was not as easy to pick up as 'England are a bit shit!' and required some research and assistance from the scintillating Twitterverse, including celebrity assistance from Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) in the final crucial stages. This was an entirely appropriate appropriation of an appropriate amount of Mark's time for an appropriately concise appropriate question (and breathe) as I had cunningly added the Offside Rule to my TYSIC challenges (which is entirely his fault (in a good way)).

Actually the real first thing I learned was that England played the United States in the first match and were expected to win but instead drew 1:1 apparently because of poor play and something my nan always called 'butter fingers' on the part of the goalie.

If you are starting to suspect that I do not know the players names, then you are right. Here is the sum total of the rest of the stuff I know about all this: David Beckham cannot play this time because fairly last minute he hurt some of his running apparatus, so he sits on the bench during matches, in a suit, looking handsome and a lot less vacant than when he is anywhere away from football. He looked a bit glum during the Algeria game. The manager, Fabulous Capello, gets VERY grumpy indeed but has only kicked the ball once himself as far as I can see so clearly doesn't lead by example. Steven Gerrard (with a double 'r') is a scouser and the Captain since John Terry was naughty with a lady that wasn't his wife but might have been the wife of someone else on the team. He (Gerrard with a double 'r') prefers not to be out on the wing as he apparently plays better in a central position, so tries to sneak into the middle. (I don't know what the positions are called except: goalie and...yep that's it, but I know they have wings, (like the more technically engineered panty liners). Heskey seems to be pretty good and I remember his name because I liked the book 'Emile and the Detectives' - a 1929 novel for children set in Germany by Erich Kästner - as a child. Oh! and Wayne Rooney is supposed to be very important when he's playing well and not all tired and stuff and he's a bit 'unusual' looking but no-one seems to like to mention it , possibly in case he sulks like he did after the last match because the fans boo'd because they had spent a lot of money going all the way to South Africa to watch their team who are seemingly paid more per week than they would earn in a few years, do the only thing they get paid to do: kick a ball and score or defend the goad and not much of that was happening. Commentators should not be allowed to say anything without at least four seconds thought as to whether it really adds something meaningful or sensible to the sum total of human knowledge. (naturally I accept that this blog may not fulfil that obligation either but to be fair this is 'free twaddle'.

I initially tweeted my Offside question during the second match and was immediately overwhelmed by a massive response of none. On reflection everyone who could answer my question was probably a bit busy despairing at the game itself. I made a second and much more successful plea after the game finished and received lots of helpful answers from tweople. They all gave very clear explanations, impressively within the 140 character limit but unfortunately for me, from several different perspectives. Thanks to: @simone_QoF for responding first with this link to a Mark Watson video explanation (that I didn't understand, I'm afraid) @misswiz for a clear and concise reply with follow up clarification; @LucyMazuma for a detailed explanation she'd learned "mainly to freak out the boyf" @edge_of_the_map for a pithy explanation and explaining it meant whether passing or scoring but who had an endearing dip in confidence when asked if it makes any difference what part of the pitch everyone concerned is in; @laurastevie who cleared up a lot of detail, sent me a picture and then frightened me by telling me she used to coach and asking how serious I was and offering diagrams and notes! @alittlemole reminded me that I should have paid . more attention one of the times I watched The Full Monty. I would like to say that I paid lots of attention to that film, just not the football/dancing bit in the warehouse in relation to the offside explanation. Eventually a link to the following explanation was sent by @LollyLollyPolly and despite my reluctance to conform to stereotypical girlary was the most useful:

In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

Source:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/offside-4-girls-p1.php

In my defence I'd like to be clear that I do not like shopping at all, but I do like shoes and have been in a shoe shop...although I have never tired to play sports with a purse in one.

The only problem is that I couldn't tell who was on what team!

Following this I took up Mark Watson's kind offer of assistance and asked for clarification via Tweet. I sent him the link and checked: "Are the purse thrower and purse receiver on the same side and the shop assistant and other shopper on the other side?"

and @watsoncomedian replied "Yes. The shop assistant is the other team's goalie, and the other shopper is their defender. You+thrower are against them".

Sorted.

So in summary:

Things I've learned, to date, during the Football World Cup 2010

1. England are a bit shit!

2. The Offside Rule is confusing but there is a use for a scant knowledge of the general etiquette of shopping.

To mark the third and now crucial (be still my nerves) third match against...um...er...Slovenia! Hey! I just found out what time the match is on and everything - 3pm. I is proud but I'll give the game that one for free and still aim to learn something else for today's game.

Third thing I hope to learn during the Football World Cup 2010

Positions:

Qns: When the manager takes someone off and 'substitutes' someone else and the replacement player has to play in the same position as the dude coming off, does that mean that if a player is given a position to play in they are stuck there for the whole match? If a player is taken off can they be put back on in that match? Finally: Is the manager only allowed to substitute three times in each match?

I 'wonder' if I'll be called upon to learn much else during England's involvement in this World Cup.

Rashish (that's rashish NOT racist): If they get to the semi-final I'll learn the names of the whole squad and a bizarre or interesting factoid about each one. Someone on Twitter can then test me publicly...on Twitter. I'm so confident (I'd apologise but surely any dedicated and committed footie fans won't have made it this far through this blog!) that this won't happen that I'll even say Watson can do the honours, should he wish to.

That'll be suffixient for now, I think... *

^I'm not even properly sorry about that.

...and this is why I shouldn't blog when sleep deprived, needing a wee and up too fucking early or more than once a month. In this respect I'm a bit like Gizmo...only not.

* Does anybody think I wrote enough to justify that?

Wistful

Warning this is not exactly cheerful and is definitely not me asking for attention, it just demanded to be written somehow...so that I could quieten my mind. I'll probably never read it back again myself so no obligation to read on and duck out any time.

It's 5.24am, light and I've been completely unable to sleep tonight. The dawn chorus has been and gone already (started about 4am!) and our avian friends are well into their day. I'm not low exactly, more thoughtful. I think it's to do with all the fanfare there's been about about Father's day for weeks. Adverts, posters, cards, reminder emails from every and any company I've ever bought something from: Send your dad a balloon, personalised card, this alcohol, chocolates, dadcentric gift (something for the motor, golf stuff (Dad thought golf was as pointless as I do), gadgetry etc. I took a look at the gadgetry - some of it was pretty damn cool.

My dad died after two years of horrific illness when I was 17 and he was just 48. He had stomach cancer, misdiagnosed as a hiatus hernia, until it was too late. Traumatic and unsuccessful major surgery then 'everywhere' and liver cancer, then death. How young he was didn't hit me until Freddie Mercury died at the same age and now I'm 43 and I still feel young in my head and interested and I have questions I want to answer, things I want to do, see, experience... My dad must have too and he only had three more years of enjoyable life left.

I've noticed it more this year and I don't know why. I shut it out usually. Not father's day itself as I quite enjoy the dads I know getting all soppy and adorable, some in spite of themselves I think as they try to keep up the pretence that they are not at all sentimental.

This year there are quite a few new dads that I either know or know of and until this evening (last evening ? whatever) I was really upbeat and enjoying all the Father's day tweets etc. Then I started to feel...I'm not sure what really.

I don't usually disclose so much. Maybe insomnia and emotion is clouding my judgement and lessening my inhibitions. I don't know. Maybe it's like when you feel sick and people say (disgustingly in my opinion, if probably truthfully in a case of food poisoning) "better out than in".

So I'm thinking now about Mum. She thought they'd grow old together and she's had 26 years without him. On what should have been their fortieth anniversary it was me that gave her the rubies. I chose the necklace and earrings that I would have chosen with Dad if he'd been around. In the same way as I always got to choose the slippers for mum when I was very young. Consequently she ended up with fluffy, pink monstrosities. My taste improved with age, thankfully. Now only my hair is a fluffy pink monstrosity! I always admired Muppet fashion.

His name was Gordon by the way. It still amuses me that Gordon is Nodrog backwards and that when the punk song 'Gordon is a Moron' by Jilted John came out in the late 70s, 78 I think, Mum somehow got hold of and wore a badge with the song title on it. Heh!

She's not yet found someone else, although she's always had my blessing. I still hope she will, if it's what she wants and she meets someone lovely.

I'm so grateful that I have Mum. We've got to know each other as people and friends which is so valuable and lovely. She's amazing and kind and very funny. I wish I gave her more. I'm an only child - sounds funny to say that at 43 and I wish she had a bigger family, but apparently she nearly bled to death after she had me and then nearly died of Meningitis when I was two weeks old, so dad wouldn't agree to another go.

It is awful to lose someone close at any age but the thing is, 15 is a weird age for your dad to get very sick and 17 is a difficult age for him to die. I'm left with all the unresolved teenage anxt and battles. Sadly and confusingly I didn't get the chance to get to know him as a person or him to know me. Dad was very strict, Victorian even. I was actually not a very bad teenager. I didn't do drugs, swear, get drunk, kiss many boys let alone have sex! I was never off school and got good grades and reports. I was just bolshy and had an untidy bedroom and a strong urge to asert myself and object to what I thought at the time were huge injustices. I can't even remember what they were now. Except the biggie: that most of my friends were having some or all of the above fun and they weren't sanctioned and shut in their room for untidiness and not taking the glass pop bottles back to the newsagents for the 10p back on them... How incredibly silly that all sounds.

We'd have continued fighting probably, I get a lot of my decisiveness and stubbornness and 'determined to be rightness' from him I expect. I reckon the fighting would have mellowed as I got better at it with age and experience and added guile, female cunning and well, good old diplomacy and restraint to my armoury. It seemed like one minute: I was daddy's girl all tomboy and playing as much with model trains and cars as dolls and prams and later with chemistry and electricity sets. (As part of my early teenage rebellion I actually made a bedroom door alarm with that electricity set - ha!). I rowed a boat out into the fucking middle of Loch Ness, on my own, aged nine! Mum freaked out a little, but Dad at least pretended he had every faith in me not to drown, and he probably did. He was right (see - right) I didn't drown. I climbed Cheddar Gorge with him - again as Mum fretted below - poor Mum but what a typical dad thing to do! The next minute we were at war and he was dying - how fucking dare he! How fucking dare that happen!

So I've shed some tears tonight/this morning, grief not anger, for a change, on this subject and I've remembered some nice things about my Dad and appreciated him, probably for the first time in years. I've been able to say sorry to Mum, in person, for being shitty as a teenager and as an adult sometimes! I've been able to tell her I love her and appreciate all she's done and does for me.

I didn't get that chance with Dad.

So maybe that's what this hour of typing has been about:

Dad, I don't know what the hell was going wrong when I was a teenager and I'm sorry for my part in all the emotional mess. I think I understand now that you just didn't get it right sometimes and as I matured our two strong personalities were bound to clash. I also suspect that some of your behaviour may have been due to hidden effects of your illness but you'd been gone over a decade before I even thought of that. But then it took me eight years to grieve properly the first time round. I was so busy proving I could make all the adult decisions necessary and carry on and well, cope.

It's grief then, this and my chance to say: I know you loved me Dad, I loved you too and I still miss you, but I'm OK.

Just wistful...

Vive la différence! but Mwahahaha...

This is a bit of a TYSIC cheat as I have to blog whilst still in May and I realised whilst commenting on Mark Watson’s latest (daily – that man’s heroic!) blog that I was rambling on and going wildly off topic so I linked to it here and kept the comment on Mark’s blog a bit less wordy – win.

EDIT: Or in fact no win as I totally failed to post my comment on Mark's blog. It just kept vanishing and never appearing for Mark to moderate so here it is tacked into this:

[Those who regularly read your blog may not be the best people to ask about this. (Incidentally I had fallen way behind this month and have only just caught up...I’ll try to do better)

I ended up thinking a bit too much about this and going off at a complete tangent with a blog of my own, which in order to save space on your blog comments and because it allows me a TYSIC cheat through 'efficiency' I put here if you want to read it: 'Vive la difference! but Mwahahaha...' Then I 'cleverly' ahem linked to it.

Your 'profile' has definitely got bigger in the last year, so it is very likely that you are becoming more famous and recognisable to people in the street and so NOT paranoid. Also if Bristol is your home town the proportion of people paying attention to your increasing fame would be greater there - wouldn't it?

Personally I think it is your TV appearances and shows rather than the Magner's advert as that would only make you seem 'oddly familiar' to people but not so that they would need to stare...surely? That may be just me, but if I've only ever seen someone on an advert I'll not remember them unless it is something really visually stunning like the Guinness White Horses ad. You are a good-looking chap Mark but adverts sort of pass me by generally and I remember people who are on my TV screen for long enough for me to form an opinion.

Comedy and live gigs seems to have really lifted off in the last five years too. Twitter, and blogs make it easier to spread the word about talented people and fun shows etc.

As for your survey. It is do-able if planned properly. As my blog discussed - asking people we (the readers of your blog) know won't work as we have inevitably already 'contaminated' that group of people. Clipboards and photos on the street might work but you would need to sort sort out a significant sample size and everyone up and down the country would have to pick areas to accost people which are 'representative' of those Mark means. So I guess that means shopping centres and town centre streets.

Rather rashly I'll offer to put the numbers together and try to see if they can be forced to mean something, if this gets done.

Disclaimer: It's ages since I did stats at uni so I can't promise much more than a pretty graph and some vague conclusions.]

...and back to my blog...seamless eh?

In his latest blog: ‘Paranoid (man)droid’, Mark tries to discover whether people are really staring at him because he is now more famous and familiar or whether he is imagining it and somehow disturbed.

My friends and associates (by this I mean people I actually know and see quite often, not simply 'internet friends and associates’) fall into pretty distinct camps, at least as far as Mark’s query goes:

1. ‘The Comedy/Live gig attending/travelling rather than holidaying/fun/festival going/politically aware and outward looking/comedy DVD watching/book reading/have a drink before or after doing ‘something else’/Twitter bubble’ people who will have known all about Mark for years, for similar reasons to me: they massively enjoy and are more than averagely interested in the world around them and comedy and live gigs in particular. (Yes this group does also contain couples and families but for some reason are not generally located in my home town but rather all over the country)

2. ‘The predominantly stay in home town except maybe for a “couple of weeks in the sun” baking by a pool that could be anywhere really/’traditional’ and frequent TV/DVD watching/mainly pub for a whole night out/news and discussion avoiding/kids after school clubs obsessed taxi service/magazine skimming/”isn’t the internet mainly for shopping?”/”Isn’t wandering aimlessly around the shops a day out?” group’ of people. If I sound down on this group, I’m not. They are lovely people and I enjoy spending time with them, only I have slightly less to talk and importantly to laugh about with them. They have very busy lives which are filled with things that I don’t really care for like Reality TV or simply don’t have – like a young family and lots of relatives. They would say the same about me but they are my friends for good reason so I value them and we keep in touch.

3. These are people currently in a sort of limbo or purgatory, mainly of my making. i.e. they were in camp 2.. but are being dragged, some pretty gratefully, towards camp 1.

To address Mark’s question: Camp 1 will have known about him and seen his live shows for many years, like me. Camp 2 won’t know who the hell he is or will confuse him with someone else – like Rhod Gilbert and most of those in Camp 3 will know who he is because of my chatter about the gigs I go to etc and insistent performer name reinforcement and repetition technique - until they are interested. They will have heard his name or seen it in the TV guide and watched or read about him just to please me - read make me shut up! Nah! Often friends will be all pleased and text me or be eager to tell me they’ve see someone on TV that I’ve enthused about, which is nice – I told you they were cool, although living a different lifestyle. A few even come to comedy gigs with me, get the idea and then are converted. Mwahahaha...

I’ve played my part in this 'exchange of lifestyles' arrangement too: I’ve been on holiday with some of these friends, although I’ll shoot off to look at ruins or a village, ride a horse or drive something a little bit recklessly on land or sea, whilst they sunbathe. I just can’t sunbathe, I get too hot, red, sweaty and bored. If I am stranded on a beach I’ll end up doing a ‘wildlife’ survey’, snorkling or ‘lilo surfing’ – seriously I’d recommend that! (thinking about it: on a beach I’ve always had more in common with the kids than the crashed out, exhausted parents) We do go to the pub in Liverpool, sometimes, and have lots of fun trying to convince each other that our pastimes are the most interesting and that their kids are as much fun as my dogs...nu uh never!

I have also tried out constant noise whilst placing objects all over the floor to fall over and smearing jam over everything in the house, whilst they try out peace and quiet and that lovely wet dog smell after a walk in the woods and the mud splatters up the wall as two big hairy lurchers shake - in the hall goddamit!

So vive la différence!

...but I think I like my 'difference' best and like I said: Mwahahaha...

Quite a lot of thoughts on vegetarianism

Having decided to get over myself and my off-puttingly stupid and ill- considered blog title; I have now indicated, in the subheading, a more appropriate way to spell the key word. This is because I want to start blogging on ‘something’ at least monthly for my TYSIC (Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge) here Prompted by a question answered by Mark Watson on his blog: Your problems solved I started to post a comment and realised it was becoming lengthy, rambling and ranty (i.e. my version of a blog) so I stuck it here instead:

It is overlong so in summary, without the rantiness:

- I became vegetarian 26 years ago because of welfare issues
- I am still a vegetarian because animal welfare still concerns me greatly and I am now also aware of the impact of our growing population and the environmental impact of meat production and over-fishing.
- I fail: It is an imperfect decision because I feel I ‘should’ be vegan and live a subsistence existence.
- I try: Within the constraints of my chosen lifestyle and budget I just do the best I can.
- All any of us can do is keep our eyes open to the issues and make the best decisions we can based on our own ethical considerations.

In full for the courageous or those with too much time on their hands:

I became a non-meat eater about 26 years ago for largely animal lover/soppy reasons. I literally went cold turkey (I apologise but how else should I phrase that less annoyingly?) one Christmas, after I saw a TV programme on the cruel way turkeys are raised and fattened for our festive tables - so I virtuously had chicken that year! By Boxing Day, however, I realised that wouldn't do, as I somehow I could no longer 'not think' about what I was eating so I gave up meat. I've not eaten meat from that day. I did however still eat fish for a year, largely because my mum's response to the news was: "First we couldn't have turkey! NOW no meat! What the HELL do I give you for Christmas dinner next year!" so I answered: "Salmon" and continued to eat some fish until the next Boxing Day when following a very tasty but unusual Salmon Christmas Dinner (the trimmings just don't work) I was overcome by guilt and pissy at my own hypocrisy and gave up fish as well, thus becoming an ovo-lacto vegetarian. So I still eat free-range eggs, honey, cheese and drink milk.

In truth it was not incredibly difficult for me to give up meat as I had never really enjoyed red meat much anyway and hated shellfish, so the only things I ‘liked’ that I had to sacrifice were: chicken, turkey, salmon , trout and fish fingers, all of which I preferred overcooked to such an extent that their origin became as indistinct as the flavour. So I never experienced the agony of ’bacon deprivation’ that many of my friends lament. Despite the fact that I cannot, for tolerance reasons, eat a lot of cheese I do manage to have a fairly varied and interesting diet, particularly when I am prepared to make the effort. I do think veggie ready meals are dire - full of salt and sugar much like their meat/fish counterparts.

My reasons now for maintaining my vegetarian status are that I am simply unable to ‘switch off’, in my head, what meat actually is, no matter how it is packaged in the store. The welfare issues etc are always right there in the front of my mind. A few years into my vegetarianism I did a degree in Environmental Science which also pounded home the major environmental flaws of meat production and I recently saw a horrifying documentary about over-fishing. The world population is growing at an alarming rate and meat and fish consumption is on the increase globally. Combine climate change, the depletion of our fish stocks with the resulting imbalance of in ocean ecosystems now with the degradation and misuse of land for intensive food production and probably things I can’t even think of this afternoon and collectively we are the stupidest and most selfish species on earth! When this bugs me too much I try to remember that despite the destruction and extinctions we cause, the earth itself will survive and adapt even if eventually we ruin things or at least make life very difficult for our own survival. Ecosystems have a habit of re-balancing themselves eventually. Yes - that is actually comforting. We must still try to do better though, surely, for our future generations and the other less destructive creatures who have to bear the consequences of our folly.

There are a myriad of linked issues if we are to have a conscience about what we eat. Fair trade: workers/farmers being paid a fair wage, the ludicrous distances our food is transported often pointlessly etc etc . Even in my occasional and unjustified vegetarian smugness I am well aware that I fall short all the time: eating free-range eggs is better than eating caged birds’ eggs yes, but that industry is still rife with waste and the transportation and deaths of huge numbers of birds; I don’t like full fat milk and prefer the taste of skimmed UHT milk which is very cheap undoubtedly meaning that the production methods are very intensive and therefore welfare will fall far short of my preference to imagine: small, smiling herds of cows skipping through wild meadows in the sunshine, coming in happily to be milked and massaged when called individually by name…(think Heidi)

Since becoming vegetarian I do not intentionally ever buy leather shoes, belts, bags etc but I think waste* just compounds things so when I have made an error buying and wearing boots so they cannot be returned or I am kindly given a leather belt as a gift: I give them away or wear them until they are worn out but try not to make the same mistake again. When eating out I feel it is unreasonable/impractical/too awkward for my companions for me to question restaurants in depth about whether the cheese is rennet free or do they have completely separate preparation and cooking areas for the vegetarian food. So I just hope for the best most of the time. Although my two dogs could survive on a vegetarian diet, if they had been born as one of their wild cousins they would eat meat. Therefore, their diet is omnivorous like most humans. This is, of course, imperfect and simply the way I have chosen to handle things.

*I take this as far as to say that if you are going to cull an animal, such as the kangaroos in Australia, then for goodness sake eat them! Don't just throw them away and waste a resource like that. Either control the population more sensibly or put what you kill to use; feeding people. I believe kangaroo meat is supposed to be a 'healthier' type of meat. Our regular food production and transportation is wasteful enough.

In truth I would like to be vegan (to truly ease my conscience) and have tried it at various times but it has been a step too far for me up to now, as I find it hard to get a good variety of foods and almost impossible to ever eat out with any pleasure. So I content myself with doing the best that I can which is all that any of us can. I eat as little dairy as possible for me. So I applaud anyone who, whilst they may not be able to or wish to take the full step of becoming a vegetarian, do at least cut down their consumption and try to keep an eye on the animal welfare issues and the environmental impact of their diet. Even a reduction in general meat consumption is a step in the right direction and better still if we can combine that with a return to a more traditional, less intensive and more welfare concerned method of production.

I like to think that I am relatively unaffected by advertising ploys and I’m unstintingly scathing about most TV ads in particular. I like to think that… however, in a limp effort to assuage the lurking guilt at my non-vegan status I currently buy “Happy Eggs” - just in case the hens concerned really are, even a little bit, happier than other free-range hens. Maybe they have WiFi as well as open spaces to frolic and scratch in and all the millions and millions of male chicks, usually treated as a ‘by-product’ and ’waste’, are in fact allowed to live out their lives as touring entertainers and gigolos, keeping the females of the species ’happy’ enough to merit the logo. To slightly defend my susceptibility to that ploy I will just say that when I first lived in Sweden, I initially had difficulty explaining what I meant by free-range eggs when I was shopping. I took to explaining that I wanted eggs from 'happy hens'. This worked superbly but had the foreseeable consequence that my dear friend Magnus continues to send me postcards from his travels, 20 years later, of ‘happy animals’ around the world - including a cow sectioned up into cuts of beef from Canada!

I have more respect for those who raise their own animals kindly and then kill them or hunt, humanely, than for those who stick their heads in the sand and refuse to think about where their food comes from and what exactly it is. Magnus goes hunting with his friends once a year and they shoot a Moose. They train hard to ensure that they can make a clean kill and do their best to stalk the most appropriate animal to cull. Now as much as I despise the bloodthirsty and pointless cuntry pursuits of fox-hunting etc and I cannot imagine killing anything myself except for the relief of suffering or for survival, I know that the meat is then divided up between the friends for their families and not wasted. So Magnus and I remain friends. This is made easier by the fact that one year an enormous moose suddenly jumped out of a forest and totalled their 4x4! That year at least it was Swedes 0 Moose 1.

Of course I include myself in the above critisism, as inevitably for me to continue to drink milk and eat eggs etc I have to turn away from some of the realities of what I eat too. We all draw our lines in different places and then we just get on with it. If the day comes when I can no longer switch off the welfare issues as I add milk to my tea or eat my pizza then that is the day I will become vegan forever...it may yet happen.

What a ranty, rambly blog! It is easy to just look at the sheer size of the environmental and animal welfare issues we face, within the larger context of our own peculiar survival as a species, as our population grows and feel that lurch of horror, swiftly followed by brain ache and the urge to look away and just get on with life. But that won’t cut it. In the end as with all ethical issues all we can do is not close our eyes, be interested and critical and decide how concerned we are individually and then do what we can within the constraints of our chosen lifestyle and circumstances. Aiming as high as we can does not have to mean we feel we are failing all the time when just having lots of small successes will have a positive impact.

Right now I’ve said all that once and for all, I can relax at social occasions content in the knowledge that should the subject come up over their lamb casserole/fillet steak (rare) or …whatever and my vegetarian Tai Green Curry/lasagne/salad or whatever I can simply refer them (pretentiously) to this blog.